Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
