i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
