you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
