all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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