put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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