How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize