I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
