So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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