My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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