My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
