Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
