I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize