Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
