WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
