god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
