That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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