Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
