i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
