its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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