i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
