I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize