you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
