the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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