He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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