i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
