I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
