girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i think i just lost a toe
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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