Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
