True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
