...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
