I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
