On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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