Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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