Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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