i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
