my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
