Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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