Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Randomize
