My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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