Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
