My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
