Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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