i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
