I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
