I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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