If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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