Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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