You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
