The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
