I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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