im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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