some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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