dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
