I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
