U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm sobbing to NWA
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
