Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
