I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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