the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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