I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
